Unintentionally Toxic & Fair Leadership
Can you think of a time when you acted with good intentions, but the impact unintentionally harmed others? I can think of many instances where I had positive intentions that ended in a toxic experience for someone else… which led to personal regrets. But how could I have known it would end up like that?
After reading Chapter 1, "Unintentionally Toxic," in Help Them Thrive, I learned to embrace humility, not shame, for my missteps. In each instance that I unintentionally harmed others, I lacked the insight to achieve better outcomes. The author of Help Them Thrive, Melissa Majors, often says, “You can’t fix what you don’t know is broken.”
So how would I truly know that I’m being toxic to others if it's unintentional and I’m unaware of their perspective? Gaining awareness is vital if we ever expect to improve our impact.
I asked Melissa, “How would you identify if you, or your team, is unintentionally toxic?” She explained that there are formal and informal ways to gain awareness. For example, a formal way could be to complete a 360-degree assessment and have peers evaluate your leadership. Informally, you can simply ask for their opinion. She explains this can be problematic thanks to power dynamics. It’s extremely difficult for lower-ranking team members to coach up. She suggests using this phrase to create psychological safety and gain vital insight.
“How can I support you even better?”
This simple phrase doesn’t convey that you’re doing anything wrong, but rather, you want to help them thrive by being even more supportive.
Both methods are channels for feedback and demonstrate humanity, servant leadership, and intentionality. Discovering your behavior’s adverse unintentional impact on team dynamics takes courage. Taking these steps significantly contributes to personal and professional growth.
Melissa even mentioned that you should pay attention to the dynamics in the room, such as how much you talk compared to others. Observe body language to assess whether people seem empowered, excited, disengaged, or discouraged. In my conversation with her, I discovered that most human-centered leaders seek to observe. They practice identifying things that can cause a toxic environment before they take root. What a skill! I’ve also discovered that the most accurate way to identify unintentional toxicity in others is to identify it in yourself first.
In chapter 2, "Fair Leadership," Melissa asks, "When you witnessed the mistreatment of others, what did you do about it?" She says, "Here's what usually happens: we unintentionally overlook their perspective instead of truly understanding and empathizing with their experience."
The part that grabs me is that "we unintentionally overlook their perspective." Even with good intentions, unintentional behaviors still surface. Have you ever felt mistreated and alone? Imagine dealing with feelings of unfairness and exclusion in the workplace, and no one notices or acknowledges your experience. These experiences lead to a sense of being an outcast and a loss of social connection, which Melissa explains cultivates poor performance and irrational behavior due to a lack of psychological safety. These common experiences easily become a breeding ground for toxic work environments.
Fair leadership acknowledges where empathy is lacking, takes action, and offers the offended a safe place to be heard rather than judged by their behavior.
It could also decrease the chances of irrational behavior or a toxic team environment. That’s fair. Would you agree?
Unintentionally Toxic and Fair Leadership all boil down to one thing: being intentional. Nedra Glover Tawwab, also referenced in Melissa's book, mentions that "some of what we receive from folks is a reflection of what we offer." So, we must ask ourselves, what actions are we taking to be more intentional, what effort are we putting forth to identify whether we're unintentionally toxic?
"We can’t set the bar super high for other people and have the bar be really low for ourselves. We have to make sure that the things we are requesting of others are actions that we are willing to take ourselves." - Nedra Glover Tawwab
Melissa emphasizes, "When leaders don't take action, it sets an example and becomes contagious.” Leaders' actions, or lack thereof, set an example for others. When leaders are intentional and fair, they set a positive example that can also become contagious, ultimately evolving into a team that THRIVES.