Commonly Misunderstood
At work, how often do you feel misunderstood? If you're anything like the 350+ folks I posed this question to last year, you'd likely say you feel misunderstood around 40% of the time. Yikes!
Let me tell you how this realization prompted a rude awakening for one of my clients. They have successfully built a respectful and courteous culture with high engagement, low turnover…and a lot of wasted time.
Misunderstandings have been unintentionally normalized into their culture in an effort to be kind. So, during their meetings, people are commonly misunderstood, the meeting ends, and then the back channel decoding of the intended message begins. They don't dare to ask for clarification during the meeting for fear of hurting the speaker's feelings, making them feel misunderstood, and looking like the imbecile that can't comprehend.
The impact of this dynamic led to inefficiency, gossip, rework, and frustration. The optics of a kind work culture are evident. However, the real impact was unhealthy and expensive.
Based on my work, I have witnessed many companies grappling with misunderstandings arising from communication style differences. In my workshop, Inclusion in Practice, I ask attendees if they're typically an indirect or direct communicator and how they often perceive the opposite style. Direct communicators often perceive indirects as indecisive, unclear, and apprehensive, whereas indirect communicators perceive directs as rude, to the point, and uncollaborative. Ouch!
Neither style is right or wrong; they're just different.
These differences in style are mucking up our ability to comprehend, gain alignment, and make informed decisions. So, how do we remedy this dynamic? Try these tactics.
Ask people to identify and reveal their individual communication style, "Are you a direct or indirect communicator"?
Intentionally empathize with the opposite style by asking, "In what ways can these communication differences cause confusion and misunderstandings for our team"?
Themes such as your team's dominant style and common confusion points will begin to emerge. This insight will arm you with the intel you need to mitigate misunderstandings.
Strained Relationships Lead to Misunderstandings
Another major catalyst for misunderstandings is a lack of context on other people. Our brain's wiring doesn’t help because it causes us to be quick judges of character without informed insight. Typical work environments also preclude us from genuinely getting to know our colleagues because most work conversations are transactional. Rarely are we afforded the opportunity to get to know one another on a human level. Here’s a story to illustrate my point.
I recently coached two C-Suite executives who were like "oil and water." They always disagreed with the other's position, assumed negative intent, and created a divisive dynamic with themselves and their loyal, opposing teams.
But I knew better. You see, I served as their executive coach and gained insight that suggested they were much more alike than they realized. They lacked context on each other that, somehow, I needed to reveal.
Would you believe me if I told you their relationship was repaired in less than one hour? I know it sounds impossible, but it's true. I had the executives interview one another with a series of questions designed to foster connection across differences. It's based on the research of Arthur Aron, a Psychologist and Interpersonal Relationship Expert, who says, "One key pattern associated with the development of a close relationship among peers is sustained, escalating, reciprocal, personal self-disclosure."
After interviewing each other for one hour, the two executives said, "We learned more about each other through this exercise than we had in the last three years of working together. We discovered that we're facing similar challenges in our personal lives and as a result have committed to being better supporters of each other in and outside work."
Do you need to optimize a strained relationship? I want to help. This exercise serves as a hack for colleagues that need to connect beyond their differences. Click here to access the free interview guide; it only takes one hour and a willingness to listen.
My Inclusion In Practice Workshop will prepare you to remedy misunderstandings, optimize relationships, and create team dynamics that allow all people to thrive. Schedule your team's session today.
I wish you even better relationships and understanding, my friends.